SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Happy thanksgiving!
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”