Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash