Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
me and the Superbowl rn
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Love it! 👍😂
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.