Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Well, that didn’t work.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.