My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Squirrels before girls.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out