I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Swedish for common sense.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.