Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.