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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.