[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.