It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
i hate you platonically
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
*limbos away from your hug*
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.