Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
umm…