Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
technically true but not a great slogan
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”