“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.