People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
You Might Also Like
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.