Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
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i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
A classic…