Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations