but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon