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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.