I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue