[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
The only equipped I am is ill.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Happy weekend !
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what