Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
#growingpains
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Twitter fine art
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.