*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
You Might Also Like
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Education is vital
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.