“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
#catsoftwitter
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.