Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
You Might Also Like
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!