Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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So creative 😂
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Social distancing in Australia:
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.