“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
japanese corn
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing