A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.