Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I want this so bad
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.