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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …