@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
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You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
This line from Airplane.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it