Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
This hospital has everything
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.