i think both sides are to blame here
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?