[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.