Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
this is the best day of my life
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…