I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting