Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
birds and squirrels envy us
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?