Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space