I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Why are bridges so flammable.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.