[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.