Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I drew y’all a little something.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB