Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?