me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.