[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire