If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.