People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed