accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Thinking about Jeff
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”