Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
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For those that worship cheese..
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.