“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
You Might Also Like
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”