Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks