imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
respect
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Whoa… oh I see lol
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH